October 31, 2020

 October 31, 2020

Halloween has arrived. The house is decorated, the candy is bought, the social distancing guidelines reviewed! 

Today Leon is at work. He landed a part-time gig doing construction projects for a Norwegian man named Tor and not Thor. He's unsure of what exactly the work entails but was vouched for my his new school bestie. I'm pumped for him to learn and it's also nice to get a few extra bucks. 

Last night we bought me a dehydrator. I've been pretty fortunate with my mushroom foraging adventures and had a collection of chaga and reishi I needed to dry. Given that we have officially given ourselves permission to settle down, it's finally ok for me to acquire things I've always wanted like a dehydrator. I spent the morning looking up recipes for various dehydrated snacks and mushroom tinctures. 

I got the dehydrator from Cabelas. A story that has become a family favorite. We've yet to buy any camo but Leon is gathering an excellent collection of shirts. After his 30 lb weight gain, they fit him like a dream. My man.

It still feels indulgent to buy anything for me. I'm not earning a lot of money but we are ok. We have been able to cut our spending drastically and make wise financial decisions that have offset the mounting and devastating costs of moving. I managed to score all of our furniture second hand. The only exception being my office chair and our area rug. I will do well though. I am beginning my career as a writer. I am talented, I am experienced, I enjoy it, and I have a million different paths to explore. 

It is one of the rare times in my life when I feel confident. I think. 

Of course, there are meltdown days but I wouldn't be an artist without a constant mental battle raging inside my head. The good part is that I am able to parse out the background noise from the sabotage from the important stuff (for the most part). It's an odd thing how our brains continue to pick on us and lead us astray with certain ventures. How voices molded in there from people in our past stick like tacks into the recesses of our minds and shout their scars into the chambers of our brains. 

How words brined in, experiences and flashbacks, old traumas and fears, and even imprints from when we were teeny babies find a way to push us off our paths. 

It's a part of the adventure. The older I get and the more I work on myself the better I am at editing these voices. Some have even grown quiet for the most part. It's like training your dog, if you ignore the bad behavior it will eventually chill out. If you give it attention- it's yours to deal with in abundance. 

There's a calmness I've found in recent years. Perhaps it's the stability of marriage. Perhaps it's my frontal lobe finally "coming in". It was supposed to be done growing at 25 but I have my doubts. Perhaps it's the influence of my awakening phase and all of the self-work that was done. Maybe even its the trip across Canada in the truck where it literally felt like my DNA changed. 

Either way, I am grateful. It all feels manageable and enjoyable. I don't want to race through life anymore. I want to be in her bosom. I want to suck in the clean air and cherish every moment. I want to be here. I want to make things and build skills and have epic adventures and also relax and take care of myself and be happy. 

I have taken a lot of pressure off of myself. I don't need to be skinny (not something I was ever capable of achieving anyways). I don't need to be the best. I don't need to be amazing at things right away. I can make mistakes. I can be an amateur. I can grow.

I am growing every day. 

I am not sure where my writing will go. I planted seeds for myself that deserve some watering, so I'm focusing on that for a while. I am also continuing to build on my professional articles. I will also continue to art. I will continue to express. I will continue to build. 

I was seeking answers in the wrong places. It's here. I have it. I am capable. I am open. I will follow the flow and find authenticity and be myself. Wherever that takes me is ok. The important thing is to put forth an honest effort. To be proud of my work. To leave no stoned unturned (well, maybe a few). 

Permission to be yourself is one of the hardest things to grant. The laundry list of reasons why others are better or you are flawed. The "if onlys" and "only ifs". 

I wish people learned it earlier. I wish people could feel a sense of pure love and joy in embracing who they are and what they can become. 

It's about finding your joy. Joy comes in many shapes and sizes and society is rather misguided about what truly brings joy. Once we have our basic needs met it's truly a simple thing. Yet the most complex thing. 

It takes a lot of work to give yourself permission to find joy. There are guilt and fear to fight through. Pure thieves of joy. Insecurity can be a dark cloud and a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I want to be good. I want to do good things. I want to put out good work. I want to feel pride in the things I do. I want to find meaning in the things I do. I want to get better. 

I want to be a good friend and wife and daughter and sister and leave things better than how I found them. Sometimes that won't be my job to tackle and in those cases I want the wisdom to walk away. 

It will be a big, good and important year. 

as always.